THEREALNEWS™
(ski bregenlode)
Eye Spray Splatter, 100mpx
BRIEF SUMMARY
For Intraoculus Use Only
SHAKE GENTLY BEFORE USE
The following is a brief summary only: see full prescribing information for complete product information.
CONTRAINDICATORS: Depression, apathy, hypersensitivity to one's own surroundings.
WARNINGS:The use of this product as a substitute for a topical cream to ease one's pain can be accompanied by signs of endorphin magnaspurts of consciousness, and in addition some patients may experience symptoms of laughter, belonging, affection, however, longer term effects may include eye irritation (especially with those suffering from political office), uncontrollable bowel movements, feelings of withdrawal and anxiety. Patients treated previously with prolonged periods of systematic humor feeding and transferred to topical humor should be carefully monitored for acute adrenal sufficiency, lack of sheepishness, and vocal response to stress. In those patients with severed brain stems, liberal education, or lobotomies or other conditions requiring long term artificial laughter stimulus may cause a severe exacerbation of their symptoms.
The committed use of this product with internasal chemicals or alcoholic products could increase the signs and risk of uncontrollable fits of chuckles, snickers, jeers or shreeks.
Patients who are in immunohumorsuppressant jobs, including but not limited to postal workers, teachers, janitors, and comics, are more susceptible to the infectious nature of this product than normal persons. How the dose, route, ingestion and duration of the effects of this product are not known or understood. Contribution to any underlying mental, physical, metaphysical problem is also not known. If exposed to any disease, pathogen, agent, insect bite, foul bacteria or creepy personage, you are advised to see a licensed physician.
PRECAUTIONS: Do not use the contents of this product as a laxative, contraceptive, shaving cream substitute, birthday cake icing, wedding gift, or payment for any public or private debt. Rarely, immediate hypersensitive reactions are caused by direct contact with the product, usually in the form of flying saliva from spasmic laughter. Rare instances of wheezing, nasal septum disgorgement of fluids such as milk, and crying have been reported after being explained the content of this product by a knowledgeable source.
Use of excessive doses of this product could cause blindness, social incompatiability, irritability, suppression of thought processes including breathing, sweating, thinking, speaking, hearing, and muscle movement; physicians should closely follow the growth of children and adolescents taking this product, by any route, and weight the benefits of therapy against the possible growth suppression by public school curriculum if growth appears slow.
Although systematic effects of THEREALNEWS have been minimal, potential risks appear to increase with increased doses or prolonged use of the product as a daily supplement for the suppository of life.
There has been no clinical studies to show that the use of this product will better your life, my life, anyone's life; nor will it alter the principles of physics, lower your base tax rate; lead to a cure for every known special interest group in the world; cause all news anchor to foam at the mouth when saying the word “crisis” or make loved ones love you more.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR PATIENTS: Patients using this product are given the following information. This information is intended to aid them in the safe and effective use of the product. It is not a disclosure of all possible adverse effects. Persons should use this product as many times a day as possible! You should dose yourself in all of its contents on a daily basis to keep your smile quotation in the upper ten percent bracket. You should tell others about the beneficial, soothing, peaceful and tranquil harmony received from this site, product and contents so that you can form a loose confederation or cult or worship or respect. If patient is not receiving the full effects of this product, he should double the daily dosage immediately. Do not visit a comedy club in lieu of medication.
DRUG INTERACTION: In a placebo-controlled, cross-over study of healthy volunteers, coadministration of a single dose of THEREALNEWS lead to no further drug intake, use, abuse or whining demands of the average opium den crack house low life loser.
CARCINOGENESIS, MUTAGENESIS AND IMPAIRMENT OF FERTILITY. Use of this product may cause increased heart rate due to adrenal stimulation, sexy graphics, or beer belly rotation. Prolonged use of this product may cause personal mutation into sub-personalities, multiple personalities, likable personalities, or telemarketing sales. Using this product will cause impairment to fertility since most likely you will be seated at a computer terminal during administration of treatment.
PREGNANCY. There are no adequate or well-controlled studies in pregnant women. This product should only be used during pregnancy only if the potential benefit justifies the potential alienation of your significant other.
NURSING MOTHERS: It is not known whether this product is excreted in human breast milk from viewing.
GERATRIC USE: While the number of patients over age 60 using this product is too small to permit separate analysis of the efficacy and safety to the elderly, the adverse reactions reported in this population were similar to those reported by younger patients. However, reference to local laws, statutes and regulations should be given to independently determine whether use of this product constitutes elder abuse under local law.
ADVERSE REACTIONS: Most common adverse reactions have been a supervisor's slap on the wrist for web viewing during work hours; increased levels of cynical remarks; increased levels of satirical irony in the mirror; and nervousness upon recognition of the Big Picture.
Adverse Experience .............Placebo Rate ........ Product Rate
Abdominal belly ache........... 6.6%/view ............ 28.1%/dose
Dizziness ..............................3.3%/view............. 1.4%/dose
Loss of sense of taste, smell... 4.6%/view ........... 1.1%/meal
Nausea/Vomiting .................. 2.5%/view .............0.8%/dose
(View during clinical trials meant subject staring at blank page)
OVERDOSAGE: Chronic overdosage of THEREALNEWS will lead to a more meaningful and productive life for the patient, and may result in higher levels of self-esteem, improved vocabulary and popularity in the cool or hip crowd circles that have denied your very existence.
ADDENDUM: No goverment agency, including the FDA, has made any decision whether this product is of any benefit to anyone, anything, including the effect on the ozone layer.
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