HEY, LISTEN UP 18-34yr olds!

We know a &^%#&% more about your $%$#*&^! life than you do, punk. That's why we are $#%^(&^% shoving this $#^%^&* cool new paper down your #@#%$% throat, and you're gonna like it!

We'll tell you what the $#@#$% to wear, what the $#$@%^% to buy, what the #@$# to eat, what the $#$%$# to think. You're $#$#@^! lazy, that's why! If you want to be $#$#@ cool like us news dudes, then $#$@#$ act cool by reading this %$$#$#%@ paper every $%$#$% day. And ^%^%$%# pay for it!!

The Editor in Chief

THIS COSTS ONE OF THESE, MAN

WEATHER

YO, IS YOUR WORLD INSIDE OR OUTSIDE, DUDE? CAUSE THAT MAKES A DIFFERENCE.

 

PHONE SEX

BEACH FASHION

HAIR GROOMING

 

IN THE NEWS

There was a &^&^%^ election and its now over.

He has the smile of a &^&^%^ Cheshire cat, and the *&*&^% morals of an alley cat, and his &^&^%$ party went to the Dogs.

Who ripped my ^%^%$%$ MP3 player off?

If you get a %$%$%^ pink slip on Friday, go back to your boss and ^%^%$%$ demand another color so he can't $%$#$% fire ya.

The stock market has these big $%$ bulls and %$%$ bears.

Young people deserve the ^%^$#$# weekends to be at least two ^&^%$% days long.

BAD EATS

TRANSATLANTIC BUSINESS

A bunch a protesters were corralled by a %$#$#@ ton of Chicago Cops at the TransAtlantic Business Conference. Nobody knew what the $#$$@ they were protesting, and the $#$%^$# overreaction was $#$#%^! weird.

TRAVELS OF ROCKY

WORK PLACE RELATIONS by I.M. Bob Green

A woman's most erotic zone is a man's wallet. A man's most erotic zone is his wallet. But don't $#$%^$# horse around at work with %$#$%$# or ^%^%$#@$ or using your ^%^%$#$% it will cost you every ^%^%$#$ dime in your *&*&^ wallet on ^%^%^$%# lawyers, &^^%$^ agents, ^%^%$#$% accountants and *&*&^%^! I quit trying to figure work place relations out.
What does a river bed and the Chicago Bears have in common this season? Both are cold, rocky and meandering. In the big picture of Life they are pretty $#&^! worthless #$*&^%$^!